Dying on the Vine – Customer Service got Lost
I don’t think anyone under the age of 40 knows what real customer service is. The kind where people always greet you with a smile and are actually courteous and helpful. The days when stopping for gas at a SERVICE Station meant they cleaned your windows, pumped your gas, checked your oil and tire pressure for FREE without being asked. They didn’t even expect a tip. Serving you was part of their job. Or the days when you could actually reach a real live person on the telephone. Oh, forgive me, they’re all cell phones now with unbelievably shitty reception. The vast majority under 40 have no idea what real phone reception sounds like – like being in the same room with you. Crisp, sharp, clear. No dropouts, no hums, buzzing, cross talk, echos, or any of that shit.
Now, before a company will even let you on their website you have to assure their robot that YOU’RE not a robot. What, are you kidding?! I know all the technical reasons why that is, and all that crap. But, really, this is what we’ve come to? Why do people accept this bullshit?!
Automated tellers who have no intelligence, artificial or otherwise; getting caught in endless logic loops in the automated answering system; customer service people whose east Indian accent is so strong you can’t understand a word; investment banks who tell you it’s a $50 fee and 30 days to get an account value from a specific day. This used to take a 3-minute call on a phone you could hear through. Now to get you started they send a special, obsequious, multi-page form with no instructions. If you do the form wrong they relay unintelligible instructions as to what you should do, besides starting over. That’s today’s customer disservice.
Do you want to call and talk to someone? Forget it. Most ‘contact us’ tabs on company websites don’t include a phone number. Do you get it? They don’t want to talk to you! They already have your money, so piss off!
Anything technical never comes with an instruction manual anymore. Want to know how something works – go to our website where we won’t tell you how to find the instructions. You need to know the product model number, the time and place you bought it, send them your receipt, tell them how much you paid for it, give them your name, address, phone, email, tell them how much you make, what ethnicity you are (they don’t care if you’re white because there’s no check box for that) – usually lots of crap that has nothing to do with getting what you asked for, but has everything to do with them getting more information about you, so they can extract more money out of you.
Everything today is a one-way transaction, and it’s not your way. People today just accept that cell phones won’t last more than three years, that appliances don’t last more than six months past the warranty without needing major work or replacement, that cars are so complex they have 25 computers in them that all start failing after five years, that electric cars can’t run when the temperature gets below freezing, that TVs only last about 8 years.
So here it comes – when I was young all that stuff lasted forever. Didn’t need a stupid computer to run the stove or my car, or my garage door or the clothes washer or the dryer. The remote control for the TV didn’t require a manual to work it. Any dad with a beer in his hand could just pick it up and matriculate through the channels. If anything broke, I could run down to the hardware store or the local appliance shop, pick up the parts right there, take that sucker apart and have it running by the end of the day.
Everything small ran on replaceable batteries. I didn’t need to have 15 different chargers and 12 different charge cords, all with different interfaces, to try and find every time I needed to get a flashlight or a drill or a saw to work. I had an extension cord that fit in every socket in the house and garage and that every electric tool I had plugged into. They were more powerful, lasted forever, and never needed a battery as expensive as the whole thing to be replaced when it wore out after five years. I have drills and saws that are forty years old and still run great. I can’t say that about one of those battery-powered POS’s.
Back to banks and those ignorant assholes. Do banks intentionally hire the stupidest people around, or is that just a thing they don’t even think about? It’s like calling the IRS – every time you do, the person answering has a different idea about how you need to fix your problem. After all, it is your problem, not theirs. They don’t exist to help you utilize their products. They exist to make you so frustrated you give up calling. Wal-la! No more need for customer service! Genius!
Oh, and what about the off-shore customer service centers where their accents are so heavy you can’t understand a word they’re saying. I try to be a good listener, but after listening intently to some of these people, I still have no clue what they’ve said. It’s embarrassing. I feel like this old codger who can’t hear or understand simple English. I’m old enough already, I don’t need someone accelerating the pace on me.
What do we do about this extinction of customer service? Stop buying stuff, stop asking for services? It’s a conundrum. There’s hardly a day goes by I don’t experience some sort of poor service, or no service at all. I think the guy who re-invents customer service, who reads, understands and fully executes the rules in the book “Raving Fans” will make a killing. I’m waiting for the re-birth, the renaissance of serving the customer. I just wonder if I’ll live that long.
