As Drivers Most of You Suck

I know this will surprise many of you, but I have a pet peeve. I hate inattentive drivers. I despise unskilled drivers. I lament with both pity and disgust drivers who are spatially challenged. I dismiss as pathetically insecure, those drivers who think they have something to prove, as if freeway driving is competitive sport. Really, most people are terrible drivers.

One of the world’s all-time greatest race car drivers, Sir Sterling Moss, may have humorously said it best when wryly he observed, “There are two things no man will admit he cannot do well: drive and make love.”

There are many people who firmly believe they are good drivers when the facts do anything but support their assertion. Pretending you’re in a video game when driving real cars in dense traffic doesn’t support your hypothesis. Just because you spend several hours a day on a simulator or a gaming console proves nothing. This isn’t Grand Theft Auto. Grow up. Be considerate. Be responsible. Believe it or not, getting from point A to point B is NOT a race. There is no deadline, no rally check point, no qualifying lap time, no pole position. The gas station is not your pit stop. Stop behaving like a dipshit and try, just try, being nice for once.

You know nice. Try practicing it on the road. It’s not like the guy who is signaling he wants into your lane is trying to beat you to the first corner at Talladega. It’s really no skin off your nose to let him in. Now, I get we’re against giving leeway to the guy who’s trying to horn in without sufficient space, or turns on his signal like that gives him immunity to just dive in without looking, or the guy that’s recklessly bobbing and weaving in and out of traffic. But what about the guy who just needs to get over so he can make the exit? Or his lane is blocked ahead and he has no choice?

Oh, but that brings me right to another pet peeve – the people who either refuse or are too stupid to know how to zipper merge. I have no idea what these dopes are thinking. What’s with all this panic – Oh God, I’ve got to get in now or I won’t get home! Or the driver who has to ‘get ahead’ of those two cars in front of him? Do you know how many seconds a guy like this ‘gains’ by getting in front of two cars – generally less than ten seconds. Man, those ten seconds are going to make or break your day, aren’t they? Well, in truth they could break your day by you causing an accident, or worse, injury. Stop being a moron!

Practicing zipper merging is not only courteous, it creates a smoother merging of traffic thereby increasing overall traffic speed. Miraculously enough, being courteous saves you those incredibly valuable ten seconds you were all worked up about. And all you had to do was be rational, practice a little patience, and perform the safe, courteous technique of zipper merging. Amazing!

The spatially challenged driver is pitiful. They reveal themselves in places like tunnels, where the lanes typically get slightly narrower. When the lanes narrow, they slow down. What’s the deal? Do you really think they wouldn’t make traffic lanes wide enough for your car? Is it that hard for you to keep a car going straight? You know, keep the wheel steady and look ahead! Did you really pass a driver’s test?! Holy Hell! Stop creating a hazard by slowing when no one expects it.

Speaking of spatially challenged, what is it with this traffic light phenomenon of stopping one or two car lengths short of the car in front of you? Are you trying to get hit from behind? Are you that spatially unaware? Do you need that much buffer because you’re texting and looking at your phone? You are completely out of touch with reality. Wake Up.

I also love the guy who refuses to move over so you can pass, then speeds up 5, 10 even 20 miles an hour as you go by, as if you’ve insulted his manhood by simply driving faster than he is. Are you that insecure? Instead of taking your neuroses out on the road, how about you go see a shrink? You need one! Get a grip – nobody gives a shit about you! Oh, sorry little boy, maybe that’s your problem….

On the flip side of that coin, how about the guy who rapidly charges up behind you and has no patience to let you move over for him. Now, I drive fast, faster than most people. But you know what, at least I have the courtesy to give people a chance to see me and move over in an orderly fashion without giving the impression I’m going to crawl into their trunk if they don’t jam that car of theirs in the right lane in the next two seconds. I hate tailgaters. There is nothing, absolutely nothing safe about tailgating. One need not tailgate to let the driver ahead know you want to pass.

In the olden days we would flash our brights as we were coming upon a car we knew we would overtake. We gave them time to assess and react in an orderly fashion. They nearly always moved over. Nowadays people act like they have no idea what flashing your brights means. What ever happened to driver’s ed? Do they teach people anything anymore?

Then there’s the people who drive around with their brights on all the time. What the hell is that about? You want to blind all the on-coming cars and the people in front of you? It’s not courteous or safe. Oh, but I forgot, you feel safe because they’re being noticed. Fuck off. I see you just fine with your regular high intensity lights. Turn your brights off, asshole.

Then there are the people who attempt to parallel park but were apparently never taught how. Still, with their spatially challenged brains and limited driving skills, they’re going to insist on trying while making the fifteen cars behind them wait on their futile multiple attempts, before finally either giving up or just inconsiderately double parking as if they are the only car on the road.

How I would actually love to be the only car on the road. Now that’s nirvana….