Family Parallels in Life’s Adventure

I have recently begun to see parallels between my life and those of my sons. I see the same patterns of circumstance, the appearance of similar choices, and even similar timing of life’s crossroad decisions. It’s a bit disturbing really. As parents we want our children to avoid the pitfalls we encountered, to do better than we did. But how are they to accomplish that when we teach them the same rules we were taught to live by? In many cases they emulate us, both the good and the bad. Some of our mistakes are egregious enough to consciously and purposefully avoid, others not so much. Are some of their choices built by what we teach them? I think they are.

Broadly speaking, it’s not at all unusual for all of us to reach the crossroad of important decisions at similar times in our lives. So, am I really offering any new thought, any parallel that hasn’t existed for centuries? Ultimately, I think not. But the realization of that point makes it no less disturbing to me. And what do I do about it?

The first thought, of course, is do nothing. Mind our own business, stay out of theirs. But staying out tends to mean completely out. I could do that, but it’s not me, or my wife.

We believe we are here to support them, offer advice when asked, assure them you love them. We don’t want to intervene; we want to be a thoughtful guiding light whenever possible without being overbearing. Be calm, kind, forgiving. Pretty much everything we taught them has taken root. Now our job is to make them aware of the pitfalls of all that teaching – of what we have learned since.

I don’t pretend to be all-knowing. I believe that old axiom, ‘the more I learn, the less I know.’ My usual guidance to our boys is ‘follow your heart, your passion, your bliss.’ Do what you think is right. We tried to teach kindness, fairness and humility while encouraging competitiveness and strong decision-making. Make choices, let the chips fall where they may. Be true to yourself, accept the results, and move forward. Complaining and negativity will do nothing to help you; it will only slow your progress. Pick up those chips and build something you are proud of.

I look at my oldest and see a life that recently, in many ways, parallels mine. I wish I could have saved him from the same fate that resulted in a lost long-term relationship. All those years and emotion invested in something that didn’t work through no fault of his. I’m proud of how he’s moving forward.

For my middle son, I see a man who is taking the road less traveled. It’s a road I sometimes wish I would have taken; one I’m finally dabbling in right now. It takes courage to follow that path.

For the youngest, I see an assuredness, a passion in what he visualizes, in what he wants to build. He has an affinity for relating and communicating with people. I see this gift as similar to one of my cousins, who used that skill, that empathy to build an incredible business of repairing and building great environments for people to enjoy. I see him doing that also.

I relate closely to all my boys, but as an oldest of three, I identify to my eldest’s situation because it seems to parallel mine. I am confident happiness awaits him, it’s just more of a fight to get there than we all would like for him. You see, I think he inherited (or emulated) my way of thinking, of battling; that everything must be won, fought for. That nothing is given, everything must be earned. It sometimes makes you hard at the wrong times, makes you less relaxed, calm, open. I finally learned the hard way it’s often best to let things happen instead of always fighting for a specific outcome. Fortunately, he’s also got his mother in him. While she’s also competitive (sometimes incredibly so), she also has a carefree streak in her that serves the boys well.

My hope lays in what we learn outside of what we are taught. No one likes everything they see or are told by their parents. We swear not to repeat certain behaviors with our own children. Sometimes that actually works. It’s those little changes that make me hold out hope for better things, for greater happiness for our boys. Undoubtedly there are things we did as parents they want to improve on, if and when they are given the chance. Those are all good things.

Look, I’m not overly worried about them. They are very smart, kind, loving, active young men. They don’t just have hopes, they have plans and goals they are acting on. We have all had a wonderful life. We have been very blessed and I believe all of us are grateful. But we also have more objectives and greater accomplishments to achieve. And why not? Once one is satisfied, there’s no more reason to be here. So, while we are very thankful we will always be striving for more.

But back to my original question – are my boys too much like me? It’s flattering to think so, but I really hope not. They can do better and, to this point, I think they have. So, while I want to be here for them, I’m going to focus on how they are doing better than I did.