It’s Only About Living

What to do? A question becoming exceeding common lately. I’ve got two years left to work, thanks to my company’s failure at the hands of a reckless President. We’ve sold our house, moved into a temporary situation I don’t particularly care for, and waited for the State Supreme Court to render a decision that could fleece me of yet another $500,000. In the meantime, I find myself wondering what’s next. Where should we go, what shall we invest our time and efforts into?

I enjoy boating and being near the water. Guess it makes sense; I’ve spent my whole life around or on it. But I also enjoy sunny winters and snow skiing; warm weather, golf, cars, and travel. Trying to build a new lifestyle around all that isn’t as easy as it might sound. There’s also wanting to be near our kids and having to spend an increasing amount of time caring for my mother. These things seem to be at odds with each other.

I’m more than ready to quit the work gig, but the most troubling things right now are finding a place I want to live, and dealing with my mother’s declining health. It’s a debacle. I’ve decided there’s one thing I know about all this – we are never ready for it. Plan for the best, prepare for the worst, as they say. At least someone says that. But you’re never entirely ready for it either. It’s easy to take the best in stride, but the worst – it teaches you something. It reveals who you are and what you’re about.

We could leave, go somewhere south and sunny and warm, ski in the winter and golf and boat in the summer. Forget about my mother, my obligations, my commitments. Retire, travel, and slide into oblivion. Ultimately, I know that’s not what I’m all about. I can’t leave my mom – she gave me too much of herself. My brother and sister are here to share the load, even if we can’t seem to do it in an organized fashion. Still, it would be nice to not care about other people’s bidding and just concern myself with those goals and thoughts I still have, maybe the ones I never dared really pursue before. Now that it matters less and less to everyone else, maybe I could run after those things I’ve never given myself the luxury to enjoy. There’s certainly a lot of time left to decide.

It’s always been compromises before. Give up something to get something, or do something for someone. Yes, there is reward in that, but wouldn’t it be nice to just withdraw for awhile, to just drop out and be present in the now. No expectations, no tasks, goodness no job, no worries. Just practicing being in the moment.

Maybe that’s really the secret. Stop worrying about finding a place or caring for someone. Just be? Seems hard to do that and not have some focus on experiencing what I want in the way I want. But then, the longer I’m here the simpler things seem to become, the clearer the alternatives, and the more basic the choices. It is existential and that’s about as simple as it gets. So, let’s decide and move on to savor the experience. After all, life is all about experiences.