New Neighbors Have Pelaton, Never Ride It

Part 1: The Move

Right around the start of social distancing my girlfriend and I got some new neighbors. We’re still not sure if it’s a couple, or a chick and two dudes, maybe a couple and a brother. Regardless of their living situation the important news is they have a Pelaton and we have a clear view of it from our kitchen window. Looking almost straight down from our second story to their first story, we have full visual of their Pelaton facing the window, begging to be ridden. They moved in a little over a week ago, I’m not sure exactly, time has become somewhat absent from my quarantined life. But ever since the lights came on next door, that Pelaton has been staring at me, and I at it.

Part 2: Sweat Bath

We’ve all seen the commercials; lady gets Pelaton, rides it in the glory of the morning sun, loves every minute of it. Or guy gets Pelaton, sweats like a madman for 50 straight days only to have his daughter remind him “we didn’t wake up to be mediocre.” That is what I want. I want this bike to elevate me. I want to put in that sweat equity while some crazy lady yells at me to keep going. I need to feel that burn in my legs, the sweat pouring from my head. I need that refreshed feeling you can only get from bathing in your own sweat, where you sweat so much you literally feel all the toxins have left your body and your skin can finally breathe. I need that Pelaton.

Part 3: No Dishwasher

Now this may seem irrelevant, but this one fact could be the catalyst behind this whole story. We do not have a dish washer. Don’t worry about how that came to be because that is a whole other story on its own. The point is I am washing dishes for about half an hour every single day. Washing dishes, staring at the Pelaton. What’s even worse about the vacant stationary bike is the neighbors had the gall to hang a towel over it. That would imply they are going to ride it. That would mean they are planning on sweating profusely while spinning the shit out of those wheels. But no, not once have they ridden that sleek sweat machine. I actually got a little tease from them today. I was washing dishes and out of the corner of my eye I saw the guy bent over, adjusting the seat on the bike. Now, in my mind I had already determined that bike should be in my house not theirs. I deserve that bike. I would ride it just like the commercial shows you. So I was kind of excited to see him ride it, see how long he could last because I’m no Lance but I can ride a pretty good stationary bike. If he couldn’t last as long as me then I would have even more right to the bike. So as he’s adjusting the seat I look down to finish cleaning the knife in my hands, and when I look back up he’s gone. I wait. After a minute or so I go back to cleaning, thinking he’ll come back. But the guy never comes back! Does he see me watching? Does he know I stare into his house for 30 minutes every day? Is he toying with me? I need answers.

Part 4: Confusion, Despair

I still have no answers for the seat adjusting incident. I haven’t seen him return and that poor bike just stares back at me, cold and alone. The towel hangs lifeless from the handle bars. I too feel the life sucked from me like there’s a black hole between us, a space where time doesn’t exist. I am resigned to my basement where I find my own bike, a real bike. The back tire popped back in the fall of yesteryear, the tools to fix it lay on a bench in the garage. Time to learn how to fix a tire. Then I can ride around and see if anyone will tell me to go home.

Update: I saw what looked like the guy getting on the bike to ride, but then he got off and didn’t come back. Confusion reigns. I also have not fixed my bike tire.