No Expiration Date

I heard Garrison Keeler the other day reflecting on turning 80. He mentioned getting older has freed him from ambition. He still loves his craft of writing and expression, but is no longer driven by the kind of ambition that limits you or gives you tunnel vision. I’ve been feeling that same kind of liberation, of not needing to feel driven.

I realize they are different, but I have always felt motivation and ambition were closely related. One thing I have often feared was losing the motivation to do things. Maybe as part of overcompensating, people have often called me ambitious. I just thought of myself as highly motivated. It appears only age has taught me the difference between them, and also freed me of my ambition.

I was motivated to be an excellent skier, but I had no ambition to be a racer. I simply wanted to master the skills so I could transcend the mundane, so I could experience the freedom of moving past technique and into the art of expression. It was an ambition of transcendence, not one of recognition, wealth or fame where ambition seems to fall these days. I would say motivation is more conceptual while ambition is more specific with milestones or goalsetting. Ambition tends to have a timeframe while motivation has no expiration date.

So it’s motivation I fear losing, not ambition. I have long wondered if I would lose interest in fitness training – if I would lose that edge and just not care anymore. That very fear is part of what keeps me going to the gym and keeps nagging me to get out more on my bicycle. When do I get to just relax and not care about any of that – to live without judging myself? Is that what Garrison was really talking about – about the freedom to care without caring about agendas and results? About merely giving what you can, and letting the rest take care of itself. I think that’s what happens when we get older – we really do only worry about that which we can control. As for the rest, we simply let go.

This leads me to the other thing he said, something I completely agree with – he is celebrating his irrelevance. Although I am years from being an octogenarian, I know the world is getting ready to pass me by. I know I had my chance to make a mark, my turn to make a difference and make my voice heard, and I realize I have already done so. I’ve already trundled down the roads of sacrifice and denial, risk and reward, failure and success. I’ve done all that; contributed where I could, failed where I wish I hadn’t, learned because I needed to survive. From each of those, I’ve moved on because that’s what life does. There may be pauses, but there are no stops. Life moves you even if you don’t want to – it’s called aging.

With the recognition of one’s own irrelevance comes an interesting epiphany – a freedom to express whatever it is that moves one on that day, in that moment, unguided by world events, national crises, or local happenings. It’s only about you and what’s in front of you. It’s only about the moment; only about how you want to express your outlook on the world or on the one residing only in your head. Living in the moment is liberating; a lot less useless thinking and worry goes on there.

It brings to mind another saying I’ve known for a long time yet still need to remind myself – 80% of what we worry about never comes to pass, 15% of what does we already know how to deal with, and the 5% that’s left over help is available for. So there’s really nothing we should worry about. Yet, we do. My dad was a worrier, and I often catch myself taking after him. Now if only I could master that awareness into the action of dismissing all worry.

Getting older makes all that easier. I’m doing less of what I have no interest in and more of what I like. I no longer care whether it is or isn’t constructive in the bigger scope of things. I’m doing them because they interest me, because I want to, because I’m motivated to learn about whatever ‘it’ is. There is no more thought to it than that. Being irrelevant can be wonderful.