Talk Less, Say More

I’m sure you know of the expression, ‘silence is golden.’ When I think of it in a professional setting or when negotiating, I’m often left wondering why people talk so much. I realize most of us succumb to the urge to show others how much we know, or like to hear ourselves talk, or can’t stand prolonged periods of silence. But, more often than not those habits work seriously against us. People just plain talk too much, making it easy to use their words against them.

I am reminded of a couple old sayings that always seem to ring true:

“Tis better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.”

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Listening is probably the most powerful negotiating tool around. Listening gives you the basis upon which to form observations, draw conclusions, formulate responses, pursue previously unthought of questions. One can’t effectively listen and speak at the same time; it’s one or the other. When one speaks, one is informing. When one listens, one is learning. We may learn a thing or two by watching how those listening react to what we are saying, but we will learn far more by watching and listening.

But, people like to talk. We like to socialize, pass on information, alert others, share experiences, get to know each other. The vast majority of us are much more comfortable in conversation than suffering through an awkward silence. For most of us conversation helps make us feel relevant. It provides a sort of security blanket by giving our self-confidence a boost. We like it when others are listening to what we have to say. We equate speaking with power, with influence, with control. It becomes an ego booster. Many times it’s our insecurity that succumbs to our egos, and we go off wanting to inform others how much we know about any particular subject. I think that’s a big mistake.

When people talk they give away secrets. They invariably say more than is necessary to inform or answer a question. No one wants to be misunderstood, so they expand on a statement to provide reasoning, context, background – justification. No one needs do that. If a listener wants to know, a question will be asked. No justification is necessary.

Many of my employees want to provide context to justify why something went the way it did. As a leader I care about where we are and how we are going to move forward. If I ask for more background it is probably because I do not want to repeat past mistakes, or it may help eliminate options we may consider for going forward. Generally though, I do not need to know how the watch was made. I only want to know what is needed to fix it and how we will accomplish that.

Expounding on an answer only begs more questions. People read between the lines; they interpret, they jump to conclusions, they begin passing judgement. The more you talk, the more questions you raise in the minds of the questioners. When that happens, you cede control of the conversation to the questioner. All the power goes to them. As a responder, you are already at a disadvantage, so why give your questioner more power by expounding on answers when you should not?

Here are two great rules – One, stop answering questions no one has asked. All the responder needs to do is answer the question, just the question. If it’s a yes or no question, then the answer is simply ‘yes’, or ‘no.’ Don’t provide a questioner ammunition by offering anything more. Two, never make excuses. Making excuses means you are trying to deflect blame somewhere else. Don’t play that game. Be proactive, look ahead for solutions. Use mistakes to motivate yourself to do better. No boss wants an employee who brings only problems, or is afraid to make mistakes. A leader wants team players who bring solutions or ask for help to solve problems. No boss likes an employee who dumps a problem and waits for the solution to be handed back to them.

Then there’s the power of silence. In general, people are very uncomfortable with silence. Responders usually think they need to answer a question with an explanation. It’s not true. Long awkward silences in meetings are usually because the questioner doesn’t know how to respond to a concise answer. If they are uncomfortable it’s not up to you to make them feel better. Want to be in control of a conversation or negotiation? Talk less, listen more. Studies have shown those who speak sparingly and strategically in meetings are the most influential people in the room. Maximizing that influence also takes a couple other qualities – patience and restraint. It takes a lot of self-control to remain silent while searching for the right moment to exert this power effectively.

I learned about listening the hard way. When I was young I was afraid of being found at fault. I would give excuses, or provide long-winded explanations while my boss’s eyes glazed over. Talking faster didn’t work either; their eyes still glazed over. I wondered how I could avoid embarrassing myself like that. It finally dawned on me – say less, get to the point, offer solutions. Don’t justify, take blame or ask for forgiveness; provide a way forward. Reading about successful business people helped me understand that. Read, listen, use your voice less and more effectively. To my mind, it’s a great key to success.