The Most Sacred of Trusts
I always wanted to do this. Always wanted to be one, to experience the task, the joy, the lessons, the responsibility, the ride. Always wanted to be someone who could earn the right, who could be thought enough of, to be asked for advice. I’ve always wanted to have someone trust me enough to call me dad.
Parenting. More and more people think of this as too large a responsibility. Too difficult in today’s world, maybe too egotistical to think you have something to contribute to shaping the life of an innocent, or that you’re simply not up to the task. Or, that this world isn’t good enough. Or that it might not be about you. You may not like my reply: You worry too much and yes, it’s NOT about you. Can you imagine?
If you take it on, it’s one you will screw up. You will not be perfect, nor anything possibly close to it. But if you do this right, you will not be doing it alone. If you do this right, and yes by that I do mean by being married, you will have a partner to help you. That contract of partnership will be important to your children. They need to see how the sexes interact with each other in a relationship. They need to see the different approaches to problem solving. Up close, where it’s hard to hide anything, even if you think you’re good at it. Kids will know, will sense it. Much to our chagrin, they’re incredibly good at that.
You may think you have a choice in this, and I suppose you do. Life is made up of choices. But there’s a difference between choices and responsibilities. As part of the human race, you have a responsibility to contribute to the betterment of humanity. A big part of that responsibility is having and raising good, responsible children who will also do their part to continue this march of humanity to a higher place, a better place. While I understand not everyone will, should or can have children, I don’t exempt anyone from helping to raise children who will grow to do that.
It may sound like an impossible task, but hopefully you are committed to helping others. Raising children to be better than you is no small ask. In the end, all you can really do is show them the way. Make it possible for them to build upon what you have built. They will learn as much or more from watching you and observing your behavior than from what you say. Actions will always speak louder than words. Deeds will always carry the day. They will set the tone of what your children may become.
But back to why I have enjoyed fatherhood so much. For one, it’s been a team effort. I have a great woman with whom I have shared this journey. When I met her, besides her penetratingly beautiful blue eyes, one of the big pluses to our relationship was knowing how much she valued family. Turning me down for a first date to visit her grandmother was a good first sign. From there it was me trying to convince her I was worthy. Not too different than most courtships.
There’s no doubt it’s an all-consuming vocation. You never cease being in call 24/7, but the role constantly changes. You grow with it just as your children do. That’s part of the miraculous fun of it. A sense of humor, a dose of humility, a pinch of kindness and a strong adherence to setting and enforcing boundaries worked well for us. Everyone needs, and in the end, learns to appreciate boundaries. They create order from chaos, direction from aimlessness, goals from wanderings.
It’s important, though, to pick your battles. Don’t waste precious credibility fighting over cleaning their rooms or cutting their hair when you could be spending it making a point about following through on commitments or extending kindness to others. Fortunately, that was one we learned early.
The biggest and best part of being a dad or a mom is watching what you have tried to nurture, grow. It is so much fun, so rewarding, so incredible watching children turn into wonderful, fully formed adults capable of taking on all life’s decisions and responsibilities. And then, hopefully, getting to watch and be part of them raising their own children.
They may even come back to you asking for advice, or an opinion, or just to vent. You may get some satisfaction knowing they consider you have something good to say, and may reflect on the realization you may have actually gained some wisdom! Mainly, I think it centers around practicing reflection and patience before responding. You have more time for that as you get older. The trick is finding it in the throes of the moment. Especially when you’re the parent of younger children.
Our kids still call and text us with questions, even in the middle of whatever deed is being contemplated. Whether we’re being referees or a source of rational thought doesn’t matter. It means they value us. We absolutely value them. I can’t imagine my life without family. It may be a scary adventure to embark upon, but once you do you never look back, and you never regret it. It completely reshapes who you are. It makes you better. That’s the absolute best kind of adventure.
