The Not-So 50/50 Proposition

Here it is. We live in a time where equality is everything. Equal opportunity, equal time, equal effort, equal workload, equal this, equal that. I say baloney. Not everything is, or should be, equal. How can I say that? Well, because in actual practice, it’s true. Unless, of course, you want to adhere to that silly 50/50 rule to your own demise.

There’s one area in particular where the 50/50 rule fails – marriage and parenthood. Ever tried to make sure mom and dad are doing exactly the same amount of work? Ha. Their roles are biologically, psychologically, physically, and practically different. Each has an important part to play in raising children and they are not, cannot, should not, be the same.

Moms are typically nurturing, and why not. They suckle their babies, creating a mother/child bond only they can. Only women can breastfeed. It’s the basis for the nurturing and support that follows throughout childhood. It’s a connection.

Dads are different, by design and by intention. They usually create expectations and demand results. They tend to be more task oriented, practical. Yes, love is still involved but it’s the kind that accompanies imparting a responsibility to step up, to be accountable, to be useful. It shouldn’t be conditional; it’s simply intertwined in the teaching.

As for the practical aspect of dividing chores, there is no way to ensure equality. The nature of what each parent does and contributes is qualitatively and quantitatively different; they can’t be compared. They complement each other and keeping score as to who is contributing more will never lead to a satisfactory resolution. It will only further divide.

Why am I reminded of all this? My youngest son has a three month old baby girl. Mom and dad are trying to be equitable. Good for them. Mom breast feeds, dad changes diapers. At least when he’s there. See, he had to go back to work last week. Mom’s still at home. So much for equality in chores. But then there’s the equality of responsibility, of providing, of offering safety, as well as the innumerable intangibles. One thing we can be sure of: the roles will keep changing as circumstances demand.

A give and take flexibility is required to make these things work. As soon as one or the other feels like a martyr, things will go south. But you know what, nobody should feel that way. It won’t be equal, maybe not at first. Or maybe it will be at first, but not later. The ebbs and flow of life have a way of upsetting every apple cart. This one is no exception. In fact, parenting may be the most oft spilled apple cart of anything you do in your life.

There’s no one-size-fits-all formula, and the only thing close to a magic bullet that helps the majority of the time is love. Feeling it, expressing it, projecting it. That part, I think they’ve got down. But life will challenge even that. And we are much better prepared for that when we don’t keep score. Competitions keep score. Parenting is anything but that. In the meantime, have fun figuring out what that whole equal thing might mean. I never could.